I have had a lot of very sweet conversations with Talia, I was reminded of this one today.

A couple weeks after we lost Mason, I was sitting on the couch with Talia and she said, "Mom, is Mason all alone up in heaven?" I immediately reassured her, "No honey, there are lots of people up there with him, he is very happy." I could tell she wasn't convinced, and then she asked, "But who is there to take care of him?" I now understood why she was asking. She knew Mason as a baby, and she knows babies need to be taken care of. I knew she wouldn't understand if I tried to explain that his spirit wasn't a baby, so I thought for a minute and then decided to tell he about her Grandma Great. (that's what we call our great grandparents)  I told her about my Grandma Clouse that she never got to meet, she died when I was fifteen. I told her that Grandma Clouse loved her grandkids more than anything and that she was taking good care of our baby Mason. Then we looked at pictures, and then we both felt better.

October 18, 2010
It has been 3 months. The longest 3 months of my life. It feels like years since the last time I got to hold Mason and see him. Emotionally, it feels like it's only been three months. I recently found out that October 15th is a day that is recognized by our country as a day of remembrance for all miscarriages and all still born children. I thought it would be a hard day, but it wasn't. I kept thinking about all the thousands of babies that have been stillborn and how special thay are. They didn't need a test, they just needed a body. I felt proud that Mason was among them. Of course we still miss him everyday, and if we had a choice we would want him here with us, but the reality of it is, we don't have a choice, so we are trying to make the best of it. On Friday (the 15th) I had a friend show up at my door with flowers and a card. Later that day I received another card from a cousin just letting us know that they are still thinking about us and praying for us. Neither of these peole knew that it was a special day. I am so greatful for such wonderful people in my life.

The Balloon

My kids, like most others, love balloons. So when Craig showed up on Friday with a bunch of bright colored mylar balloons the kids were ecstatic to say the least. They have been entertained for hours by these things, holding them in front of the fan so they go crazy, and jumping off the beds while trying to grab the strings in mid air. Talia especially loves the balloons. She gives them names, brings them in her room when she goes to bed, and of course they have to go everywhere she goes. When we went to the grandparents house for dinner Sunday night, we let her choose a few to bring along. Talia loves all the balloons, but there was one particular one she loved the most. The kitty balloon. She managed to take good care of the kitty balloon while we were at my parents house. After we had eaten dinner we decided to head over to Craig's parents house. Talia held on tight to here balloon the whole 2 minute drive. As we pulled in the driveway and turned off the car, the kids were anxious to get inside. I'm not even sure exactly how it happened, but Talia had opened the door on her side, and then let go of the balloon to unbuckle her car seat. I got out of the car just in time to see her kitty balloon sneak out the door and start floating away. I jumped for it, but it was too late.  I looked down at Talia who was now frantically trying to unbuckle herself, and the look on her face said it all. I pulled her out of the car and held her as she screamed "balloon. balloon," over and over. I wanted more than anything to be able to fly up and get that balloon that she loved so much and bring it back for her, but there was nothing I could do. I just held her and we both cried as we watched her precious balloon float away into the sky. We had to let it go. It was hard for me to explain to her that there was nothing we could do, I didn't think she would understand, but she did. She stopped screaming, and watched as it floated away.  I knew how she felt. I had something taken from me that I loved very much, and no matter how much I wanted it,  I wasn't going to get it back. I had to let it go. Talia and I stood on the driveway crying for a few more minutes, Craig came over, he knew exactly why I was crying , I didn't have to say a word. he just hugged me and let me cry.

I always loved when people would send balloons up into the sky with prayers and messages of hope, but it has so much more meaning to me now. Standing there on the driveway watching that balloon float away helped me realize that sometimes we have no control over our situations, we just have to let it be, trust in the Lord, and know that it will all be okay in the end.