Sundays are hard...

There are a few reasons why Sundays seem to be particularly difficult. First of all, Mason was born on a Sunday, so every Sunday that passes marks another week that he has been gone.  It's been 10 weeks. Sundays are also hard because of church, our ward is a very young ward, almost everyone has young children, and there are lots of little babies, it is a bitter reminder of what I am missing. Church is also hard because of the spirituality of it. No matter what subject is being taught, it all reminds me of Mason. Some feelings are happy, but it is still hard to to have to feel them.

Even though every Sunday in the past had been difficult,  I woke up this morning determined not to let this day drag me down. I used to love Sundays, and  I wanted to feel that way again. So I woke up, got dressed, got my family ready, put a smile on my face, and drove to church. We arrived ten minutes early which is a miracle for us. As we were walking in, a saw a family I didn't recognize, and I thought to myself, yay! a new family in the ward. It was only a matter of seconds before I realized it wasn't a new family, they were just visiting. Walking next to them was a sister in our ward, holding her little baby, all dressed in white. It was fast Sunday, babies are blessed on fast Sunday. Three babies were blessed in our ward today, it could have been four. I really wanted to be happy for the families, I did, but I was feeling a little left out. I wanted all of my family to be there with me just like the other families were there. I wanted my baby to be all dressed in white about to receive a blessing from his father. I sat there feeling especially sorry for myself as the tears rolled down my face. This was not the day I was expecting. It was probably one of the hardest days I have faced since we lost Mason. I am grateful I didn't realize what was going to happen at church today before we got there, because  I may have not gone, but as hard as it was,  it was something I needed to go through. It's times like that when I feel that the pain is more than I can bear, is when I feel my Heavenly Father's love for me the most. I felt the spirit so strongly, whispering to me that it was all going to be ok, and that my turn would come. I know I will get to enjoy all of these things with Mason some day. 

It was hard to not have our baby there to share his special blessing day with everyone, but a babies blessing is one thing we did get to experience with Mason. Shortly after I had him, while we were still in the hospital with many of our family and friends there, Craig gave Mason a name and a blessing.  It was the most beautiful blessing I have ever heard. I remember Craig standing right next to my bed holding Mason in his arms. He paused for a minute before he started the blessing, I imagine gathering his thoughts and receiving inspiration for the blessing.  It was in that moment that my testimony of the priesthood was strengthened so much. I knew Heavenly Father was guiding him to say the things he needed to say, and the spirit was so powerful in the room, it was the first time since we heard the awful news that I felt peace, and a small understanding. We often refer to Mason as "our little buddy," this blessing is where he was first called that. Craig kept calling him "our little buddy," so that is really special to us. This blessing is very personal so I won't share too much of it, but  I do remember Craig telling Mason to go about his father's business, and to not worry about us, and to know that we will be doing everything we can to make sure we make it back to live with him so we could all be together as a family. He told Mason how much he was loved by his family. He is. I cannot wait for the day when I get to tell him that myself, but until then you better believe I will be doing everything possible to live worthy so we can all be together again.

Mason's Story

Part 1

To understand this story completely, we are going to have to go back a little ways before July 18, 2010. About 9 months back. Things were going well for our little family. Our daughter Talia was about two and a half, and Brogan our son was 15 months. We were very content with our two little kids and we didn't think we were ready to get pregnant again for quite awhile. One day around that time I woke up feeling very sick, I thought I must have the flu, but my only symptom was nausea. I didn't think too much of it, and went on with my day, by the early afternoon I felt much better. I was relieved until I woke up the next morning feeling sick again, this lasted for a few days until I realized, uh oh, I must be pregnant. I was feeling sick, and irritable and very tired, all the normal pregnancy stuff. It was too early for a test, but I thought  I was an expert since it was my third pregnancy, so I told Craig, guess what, were pregnant! He was less than amused thinking I was joking, but I was convinced. Without going into too much detail, about a week and a half later I found out I wasn't pregnant. I thougth I would feel relieved since this isn't what "we had planned," but I felt very sad and disappointed. I called Craig to tell him what I thought he would take as good news only to find that he was sad too. When we realized how we felt, we realized it was probably time to have another baby. Well, that felling lasted about a week before life crept back in and we thought we were crazy for wanting another one so soon, but wouldn't you know it, it was already too late. Our baby was due July 30, 2010, and we couldn't have been more excited. My first doctors appointment was at 14 weeks, and much to my surprise we were able to find out what we were having, a little boy.

 As much as I hate to admit it, I don't remember too much else about the pregnancy. I am blessed with very easy pregnancies. I do remember feeling much more tired, but that was due to having two toddlers I was chasing around all the time. I was able to continue working, catering weddings up until about 7 1/2 months, feeling good the whole time. I have never been one who is very cautious about my pregnancies, I go about business as usual as if nothing is different, and I feel very blessed to be able to do that.  At every doctors appointment, things were right on track. The baby was growing good, and he was an extremely active baby with a very strong heartbeat.

 Craig and I never really decide what we are naming our children until after they are born, but we have discussions about names the whole pregnancy, and usually have a few picked out that we like about mid pregnancy. Not this one, he didn't like any of the names I liked and  I didn't like any of his. When I was about six months along, I had a dream. We were in church and it was the babies blessing day. I remember Craig being up there about to start the blessing, and me sitting in the chapel and being so nervous because  I had won and gotten the name I wanted, (I didn't know what the name was) and  I just knew Craig was gonna change it. I remember in my dream him saying the name Mason Craig Allen, and  in my dream I was relieved, he hadn't changed the name. The funny thing about that is that Mason wasn't even a name I was considering. From that point on, when people would ask what we were naming him, I would say, "we're thinking about Mason, but not sure yet." Eventually that name faded partly because Craig wasn't in love with it, and partly because I had decided I wanted another "B R" name to go along with Brogan. By the end of the pregnancy we had all but decided on naming him Brickman Russell, after his two grandpas. Well, we all know what we ended up naming him, but I 'll finish the details when I get a little further along in my story.

Towards the very end of the pregnancy, the "I can't get comfortable no matter what stage,"  I was spending a lot of time up at my grandparents cabin in Strawberry because it was cooler up there! I was supposed to be seeing the doctor every two weeks, but in July it was difficult to get in cause I was gone so much. I had seen the doctor mid June and didn't make it back until July 15th. On that day I remember feeling very annoyed that I was going to the doctor. I had the whole attitude of "this is my third, I don't need any more checkups, I'll let you know when the baby is coming." I still felt him moving all the time, and  I could tell he was starting to "drop" so I knew he would be coming soon. I walked into the office, greeted my doctor, and layed on the table so the doctor could check for the heart beat. He found it right away. It was strong, 143 ( I think) After that he asked how I was feeling, I said "good," he said, "everything looks great, and  I'll see you in a week."  I was relieved to get out of there so quickly. Little did I know that that would be the last time I ever heard my babies heart beating...

A little advice...
I don't feel like I have "regrets" but if I could do it all over again  I would do some things differently, so to all the mothers to be out there...

Take pictures! I know it's hard, and the nine months of pregnancy aren't the most flattering months, but what I wouldn't give for pictures of me (and Mason) through all the stages of pregnancy. I have some, but not nearly enough. I didn't know that that would be the only time I would get to see Mason growing.

I know it's hard, but love your pregnancy. Especially in the end  I know it can be hard to not complain about how uncomfortable it is, and how tired you are, trust me, I did my fare share of complaining! But try to enjoy every moment, I wish  I would have done that. Most everyone will have more moments to enjoy with your baby, but what if you don't? I wish I would have cherished that time we had together, rather than looking forward to the day it would be over. I know am extremely blessed to have easy pregnancies, and some of you are probably thinking I don't know what I'm talking about, but I would take the hardest pregnancy imaginable if it meant  I got to take my baby home with me. And I know there are women who would take all the sickness, tired achy muscles, and sleeplessness, if it meant they could just get pregnant. So please, be sensitive, you never know what trial someone else is facing.

OK, I'll get down off my soap box, I don't mean to offend so I hope no one takes it that way, but this is my blog, and  I'm just saying how I feel.

So many things to say... still searching for the words. I have so many wonderful pictures that I cherish, here are a couple.

A conversion I had with Talia yesterday as we were getting into the car...

Talia: Mom, I want to go to heaven.
Me: Why? (even though I knew why)
Talia: To see baby Mason.
Me: We miss baby Mason don't we.
Talia: Ya. Mom, can we fly on an airplane to Heaven to see baby Mason?
Me: I wish we could, but we can't.
Talia: Then how can we get to heaven?
Me: We can only go to Heaven when we die, so it won't be for a long time, I want you to stay here with me cause I will miss you too much.
Talia: Just like you miss baby Mason?
Me: Ya. We miss him.
Talia; But Mom it's ok cause we have our baby Mason necklaces and our baby Mason pictures so we can still see him!
Me: yes we do...

I am so grateful everyday for my two sweet children that I get to have here with me.